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| Jonathan Vilma is after the Lombardi Trophy. |
It’s everyone’s favorite time of year again! That’s right, time for the 2nd annual Joe’s Junk NFL Preview! Last year I shocked the world by correctly predicting the Chiefs would win the AFC West & Green Bay would win the Super Bowl over Pittsburgh, while the Buccaneers shocked me by winning 8 more games than I predicted. Hopefully this season I won’t blow any picks that badly & I can repeat my Super Bowl glory. Naw… Screw that. Hopefully I’m totally wrong & the Giants & Colts face off in the Manning Bowl! Now onto the predictions…* (Playoff teams in bold)
*Special thanks to Grantland, Football Outsiders, & Sports Illustrated for providing me with the information needed to make these predictions remotely educated.
AFC East
AFC East
3Patriots 12-4
5Jets 10-6
Dolphins 7-9
Bills 5-11
No Surprises here. The Patriots won’t be able to match last year’s 14-2 record or +27 turnover margin, but so long as Brady & Bill are in town they’re the team to beat in this division. I believe in Sanchez more than most & expect him to improve but with the cap back in place the Jets lost depth along both lines & thus are unlikely to unseat the Pats. The Dolphins have talent but they’re in a tough division with a sketchy QB & a coach who barely kept his job in the offseason, not a recipe for success. The Bills will be better, but that hardly means they’ll be any good.
AFC North
1Steelers 13-3
6Browns 10-6
Ravens 9-7
Bengals 4-12
Provided Roethlisberger doesn’t try & rape anyone & Polamalu doesn’t get injured filming a Head and Shoulders commercial the Steelers should grad home field advantage. Nope, that’s not a typo, this year’s surprise team is the Cleveland Browns. Colt McCoy (who I love) should flourish in new coach Pat Shumur’s West Coast offense & coupled with an easy schedule they should be back in the playoffs for the first time since the glory days of Tim Couch. I’ve got a couple dirty little secrets about the Ravens. Their O-line isn’t good, their defense is old, & their QB is Joe Flacco. The Bengals starting QB & top offensive playmaker are both rookies, normally that’s terrible news, in a strike shortened offseason that’s TERRIBLE news.
AFC South
4Texans 10-6
Colts 7-9
Titans 6-10
Jaguars 3-13
For the third straight year I’m not sold on the Texans but they got lucky that the greatest dancing high school basketball player of all-time (No, not Zac Efron) got hurt. Plus they did add Jonathan Joseph, one of the top 10 corners in the league. With Peyton’s out rehabbing, mentoring kids, & keeping the world running the Colts will be busy reminding us just how mediocre they are without him. Over the offseason the Titans brought in Matt Hasselback, promoted their offensive line coach to the head job, & gave Chris Johnson an obscene amount of money to be good for 2 more years. So yea… Things are looking up both short term & long term. The Jags will win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes & feel even stupider for reaching for Blaine “Everyone Else Knows I’m a Bust” Gabbert.
AFC West
2Chargers 13-3
Chiefs 6-10
Raiders 6-10
Broncos 5-11
The Chargers special teams is merely bad instead of historically terrible & Phillip Rivers edges out Aaron Rodgers for MVP as the Chargers retake the division despite still having Norv Turner as their coach. Matt Cassel & the Chiefs come back down to earth, but Jamal Charles should still be money for your fantasy team. The Raiders finally showed progress last season, & then promptly fired coach Tom Cable. Until Al Davis dies Oakland will only be a black hole for Raiders fans’ hopes & dreams. Tim “Football Jesus” Tebow may not be the answer at QB but Kyle Orton isn’t either. At least the defense should have an actual pass rush though.
NFC East
3Eagles 11-5
5Giants 9-7
6Cowboys 9-7
Redskins 6-10
The Eagles loaded up on talent this offseason & that should allow them to repeat as division champs, but a shaky o-line & linebacking corps will keep them from earning a bye. My G-Men overcome the loss of about half the defense to injury behind a better than ever Eli Manning & the continued awesomeness of Justin Tuck. The Cowboys rebound from last year’s train wreck thanks to Tony Romo’s improved health & Rob Ryan’s attacking defense. The Redskins could be a playoff contender, you know if Rex Grossman & John Beck weren’t their quarterbacks.
NFC North
1Packers 13-3
Lions 8-8
Vikings 8-8
Bears 6-10
Green Bay’s awesome. Last year they were unlucky in close games, going 3-6 in one possession games during the regular season, & their starters missed a combined 81 games & yet they still went 10-6 & won that Super Bowl thing. With both of those bound to improve expect the road to the Super Bowl to run through Lambeau. I love the Lions D-line. I love Calvin Johnson. &… I don’t understand what the hype is about Matthew Stafford. He looked like a bust out of college & in his rookie season & then he plays 6 good quarters & now all of the sudden he’s the potential franchise savior? What?! I expect the Lions to be better, but don’t trust Stafford to get them into the playoffs. The Vikings will have a more competent coach & QB this season with Leslie Frazier & Donovan McNabb replacing Brad “The Child Molester” Childress & Brett Favre/Tavaris Jackson, but that won’t help their decaying lines. The Priest who presided over my cousin’s wedding last week is the Bears’ chaplain. He said Jay Cutler is a good guy & someone he really likes-it’s nice to know someone feels that way. Expect double-digit losses for a Bears team that was quite literally lucky last season (7-3 in one possession games, played against three 3rd string QBs, defensive starters missed a total of only 11 games).
NFC South
2Saints 12-4
Falcons 9-7
Buccaneers 8-8
Panthers 4-12
With a healthy running back group, Drew Brees cutting down on his fluky 22 picks, & the addition of DT Aubrayo Franklin the Saints should be back atop the South. The Falcons are a good team but the hype surrounding them isn’t quite deserved when, like the Bears, they went a lucky 7-3 in close games. Plus Julio Jones is likely a year away from being the answer for a team that struggles to find the big play. The Bucs will be a better team than last year as the youngest team in the NFL continues to mature, but a tougher schedule will reduce their wins. The Panthers have a solid foundation but question marks abound with Cam Newton & even if he eventually becomes a star this season is sure to be filled with growing pains.
NFC West
4Rams 9-7
Cardinals 8-8
49ers 6-10
Seahawks 4-12
Coach Steve Spagnuola should continue to mold his defense into a terrifying unit that should see breakout seasons from Chris Long & James Laurinaitis, while new offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels should do wonders for Sam Bradford. Kevin Kolb & Larry Fitzgerald should form one of the best connections in the league but the rest of the team is severely lacking in playmakers. Jim Harbaugh is a massive upgrade at coach but Alex Smith will still be the 49ers quarterback & the loss of Aubrayo Franklins will hurt the defense. Note to Pete Carroll: If the answer to your question is Tavaris Jackson you need to change the question.
Awards
MVP: Philip Rivers should once again put up gigantic numbers but this time they’ll be accompanied by just enough wins for him to edge out Aaron Rodgers.
Offensive Player of the Year: Rivers could challenge for 5,000 yards this season, but of course so could Rodgers.
Defensive Player of the Year: DeMarcus Ware should lead the league in sacks under new defensive coordinator Rob Ryan.
Offensive Rookie: A.J. Green is almost the only guy worth throwing to on the Bengals so the stats should be there.
Defensive Rookie: With Elvis Dumervil occupying blockers Von Miller should be a terror on opposing QBs.
Comeback Player: Jermichael Finley will be putting up huge numbers in the Packers’ pass friendly offense.
Coach: Pat Shurmer will rightfully get a lot of credit for brining Cleveland back to the playoffs.
Playoffs
Wildcard Round:
AFC
#3 Patriots over #6 Browns 38-20
The Browns will quite simply be overmatched.
#5 Jets over #4 Texans 21-17
I’m afraid the Texans’ first playoff game will end in defeat to a man of Hispanic descent.
NFC
#3 Eagles over #6 Cowboys 27-23
Mike Vick gets the best of Romo in what should be a fun little shootout.
#5 Giants over #4 Rams 17-16
Spagnuolo can’t quite beat his old team as Eli runs a masterful two-minute drive to help save the world.
Divisional Round:
AFC
#1 Steelers over #5 Jets 20-14
In a defensive battle Big Ben wills the Steelers to more points.
#3 Patriots over #2 Chargers 34-27
Both teams air it out but the Pats come out on top by winning the turnover battle.
NFC
#1 Packers over #5 Giants 31-20
The Packers spread out the Giants to great success & New York can’t keep pace.
#2 Saints over #3 Eagles 28-21
The Dream Team goes down as Greg Williams defense gets to Vick & the Eagles cornerback trio can’t stop Drew Brees passing attack.
Championship Round:
AFC
#3 Patriots over #1 Steelers 24-16
Tom Brady reminds everyone who the best QB in the AFC is while the Pats defense proves surprisingly stout.
NFC
#2 Saints over #1 Packers 34-31
In a rematch of the Madden like season opener the Saints get their revenge thanks to their more balanced offense & Marques Colston not fumbling on the first drive.
Super Bowl XLVI
Saints 28, Patriots 24
Drew Brees outduels Tom Brady & he’s suddenly beaten both Brady & Manning in the span of 3 years. Endless debate immediately begins about which of the 3 is actually the best. Meanwhile… Aaron Rodgers plots his revenge.
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