*Or just the biggest tournament involving the one popular sport that requires essentially no equipment, has simple enough rules that people can play it anywhere, & doesn't involve actual tackling so wimps can play it. Now to be sure the first two aren't bad things, it's good to have an accessible game that both rich & poor can play, but it is important to acknowledge the real reasons soccer is the most popular sport in the world as opposed to "because it's the best!" The third, well... when soccer players stop flopping all over the field like they've been shot maybe I'll respect their toughness. Until then give me the other sport that has constant action and a World Cup every four years, because no one can doubt it's played by real men. Plus this, no soccer team has a pre-game ritual that cool.
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| You suck "Brasil." |
Haha ok, I don't know much of anything about soccer so I'm going to make two sets of predictions. Joseph is going to make cautious, cerebrally based, forecasts of the results ahead while Joe is going to make wild predictions straight from the gut. Is that too gimmicky? Maybe, but it'll be fun to see if the World Cup is anything like March Madness, where your six-year-old niece beat you this year because she liked the Connecticut mascot. Without further ado let's get to my billion dollar bracket.
Group A: Brazil, Cameroon, Croatia, Mexico
Joseph: Brazil is obviously moving on, Cameroon is obviously not. It's a tough call between Croatia & Mexico, but I'll take Mexico to finish second in the group because I feel like they have a little more talent.
Joe: Even I won't deny "Brasil's" greatness & despite my love for all things Africa, save for apartheid, Joseph Kony, & mass kidnappings of young girls, I can't pick Cameroon. So I'm left with the same dilemma on who to pick for second place. The Croats fought one war for independence, the Mexicans had to fight two... Mexico's more battle tested, move them on!
Group B: Australia, Chile, Netherlands, Spain
Joseph: This is a tough group. You've got the two finalists from four years ago, a Chilean team that's one of the ten best in the world, & Australia... who's halfway decent. I can't go against Spain, but wouldn't be surprised to see them finish second in the group. The other team I'll take is Chile, they're playing on their home continent while Netherlands feels like a team in a transition tournament with the varying ages of their players.
Joe: The last time I was in contact with Australians I nearly fought them in Las Vegas, so they're f@#$ing out. People from the Netherlands are called Dutch... How stupid is that? They're out too. Spanish people run with bulls, seems a little unhinged to me, so I'm not trusting them to finish first in the group. I was friends with a guy from Chile once, he's probably living their now... I've got your back Nick!* Go Chile!
*I have no idea if that was his name. We were friends for 3 months 11 years ago before he moved back to Chile, from New Zealand, & that's just the name that popped into my head.
*I have no idea if that was his name. We were friends for 3 months 11 years ago before he moved back to Chile, from New Zealand, & that's just the name that popped into my head.
Group C: Colombia, Greece, Ivory Coast, Japan
Joseph: Colombia will be missing striker Radamel Falcao but that won't matter till the knockout stage, they should easily top this group. The other three all have a shot but give me Yaya Toure & Ivory Coast.
Joe: Colombians killed Arnold Schwarzenegger's family. On the one hand that's stupid, on the other it's ballsy. Hmm... The Two Escobars is the best 30 for 30 ESPN has done, so we'll go with ballsy. I know a lot of Greek people, they don't hit me as great soccer players. Japan won the Women's World Cup, so I hate them. That leaves Ivory Coast, Drogba deserves it after being stuck in the group of death last time.
Group D: Costa Rica, England, Italy Uruguay
Joseph: This is the toughest group to call. Costa Rica is decent but this wasn't the group they wanted. Uruguay has Suarez and a home continent so I'll take them first. England is hard to ever trust, & Italy has Buffon & Chiellini so I'll take them while not feeling great about it.
Joe: Suarez... If there's a bigger piece of s@#$, c***, f@#$ in all the world of sports I don't know of him. He's human garbage, & he'll burn in hell for what he did. I don't want any player or team to suffer more in this World Cup. Costa Rica... whatever. I'm part English & Italian, long live them both!
Group E: Ecuador, France, Honduras, Switzerland
Joseph: France feels like one of the more undervalued teams in this tournament. I mean they're France, so they might screw it up, but I could see them making a run after placing first in this group. Honduras, it's great you're here, have fun! Switzerland and Ecuador are close in talent, but I have a feeling Ecuador will handle the heat better.
Joe: 28% of Hondurans are unemployed, 50% live below the poverty line, & they're going to probably watch their team lose three times... When your team loses suck it up. The Swiss are good at making watches, & hiding rich people's money, why not soccer too? I don't know anything about Ecuador so they can't matter. I used to not like France, then I saw Marion Cotillard & thought maybe I should reconsider. Then Paris inspired one of the best movies of the decade, & my favorite Woody Allen feature. I'm all in on you France!
Group F: Argentina, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Iran, Nigeria
Joseph: This couldn't get much easier for an Argentinian team that doesn't need any help. The other three all have a shot, even Iran, but the aggressive Bosnia-Herzegovina is the team I have pegged for second.
Joe: I don't care what anybody says, Messi > Ronaldo. Do we dislike Iran for their crazy government, or do we like them because of their youths' demands for democracy (& because the entire Iran situation is all our fault)? I can't decide, maybe they can be this World Cup's New Zealand––the team that draws everyone. Do we really need to be stuck saying Bosnia-Herzegovina more than we have to? Pick one name, until then you're out. Nigeria! Africa! Africa!
Group G: Germany, Ghana, Portugal, United States
Joseph: Is this really the group of death, or is that just Americans feeling sorry for themselves? Looking at groups B & D I think you could argue either way. Regardless the U.S. is going to have a tough time. Can they do it? Sure, any of the latter three could join Germany in escaping the group. Will they do it? I came so close to saying yes, but, as good as Howard is, I don't trust that back line against Ronaldo or Gyan. So Portugal or Ghana? I'd rather see Ghana through, & Michael Essien is healthy this time round, but Ronaldo should get Portugal out before their lack of depth dooms them in the elimination rounds.
Joe: Ronaldo's a pretty boy, & the rest of his team sucks! Germany... They're just really good, & fun to watch too. They'll be first. I expect the U.S. & Ghana to draw & lose to Germany so it all comes down to who can beat Portugal... Remember what Joseph said about that United States back line? Well... he was right. :( On the other hand... It's Ghana time! Wooh!!! Gyan's gonna make that PK this time! And if not... well then I blame you soccer for having dumb rules that penalize the aggrieved team by making them score twice. Yes, I'm still bitter!
Group H: Algeria, Belgium, Russia, South Korea
Joseph: No doubt this group has the least amount of sex appeal. None of these teams are real contenders, and even in this group Algeria will be lucky to draw a game let alone win. South Korea had a great run back in 2002 when they & Japan co-hosted. I actually remember watching them. This year no one's playing in South Korea. So Belgium & Russia it is, & I'll take Belgium for first.
Joe: Seriously... this is a boring group. Even I'm not insane enough to take Algeria. Russia... I'm not picking Putin & his homophobic team. South Korea can have second because someone has to represent Asia right? I mean it's the most populated continent... Oh right, the Chinese are busy not being good at basketball because of all the coal they've inhaled & Indians are too buys playing cricket, aka the worst sport on earth. Still South Korea, you move on. As for Belgium... Bruges is in Belgium, & In Bruges is a fantastic movie. I wish you well Belgium & congrats on first place.
Tomorrow I'll move on to predicting the elimination rounds. Seeya then!
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